He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
