I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
