paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
