Soap is not a condiment
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
