I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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