So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
