After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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