Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
