Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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