The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
