I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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