What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
