so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
