what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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