Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
