I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
