What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
