Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
