so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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