i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
