you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
