Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
