cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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