I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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