o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
