i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
