Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
