Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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