I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
