this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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