My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
