my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
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