Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
