dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
