My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
