I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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