Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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