if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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