So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
