he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I will be naked everywhere
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
