I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
