I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
