I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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