Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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