a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize