Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The uberlube is also flammable
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
