I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
