After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
