My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
