I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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