we have officially lost it.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
