I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
