Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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