It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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