Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
