I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
