the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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