I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize