True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
