I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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