god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
